The edge of the cloud…

It’s five years this week since I had to tell my children that their father had died suddenly

Five years since I had to tell my sister-in-law that her brother had died suddenly

Five years since I had to tell my mother-in-law that her son had died suddenly

Five years since I had to tell my husband’s colleagues and friends that he had died suddenly

He was the fittest and healthiest person I knew at the time: it was a total shock to everyone

We all had to learn to navigate a new life. Even in the middle of the brain fog. Even in the middle of the worst bits. Even when people we trusted walked away

Life without the person who fixed everything

Life without a father, son, husband, brother, uncle, colleague, friend …..

Life without the person who thought in such a different and unique way

Life without the example of living humbly, whilst doing all the research and being able to guide us all

Five years is a very long time

Five years is a very short time

I’ve learnt a lot about myself

I’m much stronger than I was even a few months ago

Real friends have been amazing and supportive in my learning how to live again

It’s difficult when a partner dies because most of us (yes it’s an unfortunate club) spend our time taking care of our children or adult children, whatever stage of life they are at

Often they can’t say (and don’t really know) how they feel. It takes longer, much longer, than everyone expects to learn to live without a much loved daddy, brother, son. My job has been to support them all

I was absolutely certain that I wasn’t going to let anyone threaten my relationship with my children. And yet I did

There are so many lessons in this new life, but I do think values and priorities are right up there at the top

I still do paperwork connected with his death, incessantly

I still sort out his belongings, incessantly - I’ve made it to the garage now!

It’s amazing how long everything takes when a death is totally unexpected - learning how things work, how to fix them, where things are, even passwords etc.

Learning who I am

We certainly learn who we can rely on to be there. Who we can call. Who we can cry with

Amazingly, some people I am close to think I should be “over it” or “feel better” by now

Amazingly, some people think it’s worse to be divorced

Amazingly, some people compare it with the death of a parent

All these things are awful. And they’re all very, very different.

All I want is to be allowed to be myself and to live authentically, each day at a time. Hoping people I care about will at least try to understand

I hope I’m beginning to get there now I am at the five-year point

It’s hard!

But the only way towards a calm and healthy future is by taking one day at a time

And for the first time for ages, I can see the edge of the cloud

I can see a future