Life is what happens every day...
It's almost getting boring - here I am writing again about not knowing which way is up
And so I'm beginning to realise again that there is no "up". There is just what I choose to do and feel
It's very clear to me, and has been for a very long time, that there is no "correct" way to live, or no "incorrect" way to live. Life happens no matter what I do until it, suddenly and without warning sometimes, doesn't happen any more. That was driven home tragically for many people, including me, a couple of years ago
So why am I waiting for an "answer"? Waiting to work out what to do? Life could end tomorrow - I do hope not, but it could. And I'll have been waiting to start this stage rather than living it ....
Something happened yesterday that has helped me have this awakening. Nothing bad, actually something good for a good friend. But it made me feel a bit stuck. A bit stationary. A bit "wtf" to be honest.
I'm waiting for life to begin again, whilst at the same time making sure that a couple of friends going through difficult times feel supported, loved and encouraged
I don't think it's too much to say that I've felt neglected myself. My friends are there for me in very many ways, but haven't asked how I really am for ages. It feels selfish to want that from people who are having a hard time of course, but it's missing and gives me something to feel hard done by for
And yet whose life is it? Who is responsible for me? Well I am of course!
Who is responsible for moving on, for making a new life, for seeing a future? It's me of course!
So what am I waiting for? This is something I have to come back to over and over again - something happens and I realise that yet again I've put everything on hold.
Not any more. I'm going to take a bit of time to focus on me and decide what I actually feel like. When trauma happens it's a really common response to turn emotion off, and I certainly did; I need to "get in touch with my feelings" again!
Then I'll go through the "what works for me" phase that seems to follow that, and that is so so so important to keep asking myself because I have lost sight of it yet again
And then I'll go for it - whatever "it" turns out to be. I'm going to use this time to help me see a future that has no shape at all at the moment. That in itself is scary and possibly the reason why I keep doing this!
This isn't going to be easy because I'm almost certain that not everyone will come with me on this journey, so I'll lose friends. But that happened before, nearly two years ago, and I'm still standing; I can do this. Friends are sometimes there for phases of life - just because they don't stay doesn't mean they weren't friends - it just means we've grown in different directions
It's my life and I'm responsible for living it. Easy to say; time to do the hard thing and put it into action....