It’s been a while….

It’s been a year and a half actually. But what a year and a half.

in common with so very many people I’ve lost someone very close to me. In common with so very many people I am reevaluating life, and death.

“in life we are in death” were just words before last year; now they have meaning. And life has become Technicoloured - the meaning of the phrase “live each day as if it was your last” is becoming clear.

and so very many people are going through this.

the clearest emotion I have left is grumpiness.

except at work. My clients are people I care deeply about. For the time I am with them, I am myself again. Even if I get the words wrong occasionally!

there has been a benefit of this “putting aside” of emotion. I’m recognising how I respond to people in a way that I actually hadn’t before. The surface level has gone, and the deep calmness underneath is letting me see relationships and people differently. Clearly. Without the emotional response.

and for now that’s brilliant! I’m able to walk away from toxic relationships that I thought were brilliant. I’m able to value the quiet calm relationships that I’d not truly appreciated before.

and I’m growing in a way that I haven’t for years.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. And I know that I’m very much not alone. And that I have a new, clear perspective that is letting me truly “see”.

I’m determined to capture this before the rest of my emotion wakes up again, and if I’m not careful, I lose the clarity.

The growth isn’t worth the awfulness. But the awfulness is there and I may as well notice how I can use it.