Holding onto myself

So now it’s over a year since I posted anything - sorry! It’s been a challenging year

I thought someone was going to be in my life forever, but it turned out that I never really knew them

They’ve been playing a game for at least a year and a half

And a few weeks ago, it all became completely clear

This stuff hurts

It really hurts

Not because I need someone new in my life. Or even someone that I’ve known for a while

But because we think we know someone and then suddenly they let the mask drop and we see if they really are

Since this happened, I’ve heard from so many people that the same thing, or significantly worse, has happened to them

Mainly, I just feel stupid

I feel stupid that I, somebody who works with people all the time, could not understand what was happening

In the end, the person involved basically accused me doing all the things that he was doing himself: manipulation, playing, waiting for something better to come along, waiting for someone better to come along

It’s slightly ironic, because I’m none of those things, and all of the people that he’s married before are exactly those things. So although I do feel stupid, I actually don’t think it’s me that was stupid

I actually hope he does have somebody different in his life. He’s got money, it won’t be hard for him

The key thing is that some people are very sure of themselves. Very sure that they are more important or more special than anyone else. And they aren’t.

In these situations, we do feel stupid. We are humans. Unlike them, we don’t feel we’re better than anyone else. Unlike them, we know we’re all just people trying to get along in the short time we have on this planet.

This is why we need people to talk to. Not friends., Because friends tell us they were rubbish all the time, and if we didn’t care, we wouldn’t have spent all that time

We need someone who will listen to what our dreams were. And let us hurt. And hold us while we hurt. And who understand that it’s that death of the dream that is hurting. The death of the version of ourselves that we thought we would be with them.

Okay, I was stupid. Okay, I was manipulated and played: rather amusingly the exact thing I was accused of. But at least I know I was honest

Doesn’t make it hurt less - but I don’t need to feel I pretended.

That’s the key

It hurts. But I didn’t ever pretend to be a thing I wasn’t.

We have a very short life here.

We need to live

I work with enough people who are dying to know that.

The future is a product of the present

So live. Live authentically. Recognise your place as one of a number of humans all trying to make our way. All contributing. All part of a picture we don’t and can’t see

No one is better than anyone else. No one is entitled.

We all need each other in some way

I’ve spent quite a lot of time wondering why I spent so much time over this person. Why didn’t believe what he said when he told me he didn’t want to be with me so many times

There is no answer

There was just a dream.

Dreams are dreams. We need to take care of each other and of ourselves. We need to respect that we have dreams

My primary responsibility is to me, and to anyone who chooses to work with me.

And your primary responsibilities is to you. It’s such a hard thing to hear that.

But you are a wonderful human being who is on this planet for a short time. Use that time. Live. Don’t put things off in the vague hope that in 10 years time all be wonderful.

Live for now

Then the future will take care of itself